This piece was written by the people who run the Cracked Store to tell you about products that are being sold there.
Pop culture has conditioned us to believe that getting your dream job is simple. Rachel Green walks into a Bloomingdale’s and comes out as an assistant buyer. Richard Castle walks into a police station and comes out as an honorary detective. Erin Brockovich walks into a law firm and … OK, that one actually happened. But usually, starting a career requires a lot more than just showing up. Nowadays, the job market is extremely competitive, and every applicant is going to have just as much experience and education as you will.
But here’s the thing: On day one, your boss isn’t going to care what degrees you have or your knowledge of the industry. They have people with degrees. They already know the industry. What they won’t have is someone who can put dancing cat GIFs on the company website. And that, friend, is where you come in. Give your application a leg up on the competition by learning these skills that are useful for every industry.
Sure, Adobe’s image editing software is great for melting JPEGs into some truly depraved memes, but you can also make good money using it the way it was intended. Every office job benefits from an understanding of Photoshop, because in every office job, you come across a situation in which Microsoft clip art just won’t cut it. (All situations.) This photo editing mastery bundle will help you conquer professional image retouching, colorizing, and graphic design. Pick it up here for $41.
A vast majority of job postings call for some Microsoft Office expertise. Unfortunately, using Word to type school papers doesn’t really equate to mastery, much like how knowing where the letters are on a keyboard doesn’t mean you can type 80 words per minute. To learn how to craft elegant spreadsheet formulas, pivot tables, and data visualizations that’ll make your boss weep like a middle-aged dude watching Logan, grab this Microsoft Office Specialist Excel Certification Bundle for $15.
Managers aren’t just overpaid dweebs who obsess over pointless leadership techniques; they’re overpaid dweebs who obsess over very critical leadership techniques. That’s because whether you realize it or not, those techniques are the reason things actually get done. Pick up this product management training course, and no longer will you be mystified by those smart-sounding business words like “synergization” and “proliferosity” and “flavor blast.” (OK, those all will still mean nothing, but the point is that there’s some really useful stuff here.) This course is usually $145, but you can get it in our store for $39.
Although it’s doubtful that your vague understanding of Spanish from high school will be enough to land you position as a translator or diplomat, relearning a skill always goes faster than the first time around. Becoming a diplomat aside, do we really need to tell you how useful it is to know Spanish in business? Knowing a second language means your prospects go international, and in case you’re not yet too business-savvy, “international” is more potential customers than national. This course includes over 100 hours of instruction, and is available here for just $18.
In the late ’90s, you could command $100-per-hour consulting fees for doing basic HTML page layout. Also, Metallica was still a respected band. The point is that things change, and while some things clearly changed for the better, making a living writing code takes much more advanced software engineering talents. You can pay what you want to get a broad overview of modern web development practices with this Full Stack Web Development Bundle.
WordPress isn’t always flashy, but this venerable blogging platform still powers more websites than almost any other technology stack. An employee versed in WordPress is like a dog that can wink — rare, but if you’ve got it, they’ll pin a blue ribbon to your butt every time. This pay-what-you-want course bundle will teach you how to build actual sites, with fully custom layouts, plugins, and e-commerce integration. Name your price for this WordPress Hero Bundle.
Search Engine Optimization is one of the most pervasive buzzwords in the tech world, but that’s because it works. Getting your site listed at the top of Google search results will do more for your business than any amount of billboards or sponsored hobo fights. This collection provides 15 hours of professional instructional content, designed solely to get your webpage to out-alpha all the others. Pick up the Complete SEO Course for 87 percent off the usual price — just $19.
If there’s any information that Google hasn’t indexed, it’s probably because it either isn’t that important or extremely classified and leaking it to the public would spell the end of civilization. For the rest of its vast troves of data, there’s tremendous insight to be gleaned from page views, engagement, and user conversion rates. You can learn how to use data to make smart business decisions with this Google Analytics Mastery Course, offered for just $29.
Considering most people spend their days with their noses so deeply embedded into their phones that boogers pour out the speakers, it’s never been easier to stand out as a charismatic individual. Even if the thought of talking earnestly in front of over five people makes you hyperventilate, this course in public speaking will guide you through it. You’ll learn how to make your weekend adventures sound like they were written by Jon Favreau, and your office will love you for it. Get this Instant Public Speaking Master Class for $47.
For more ways to obliterate your rat race competition, check out 10 Ways To Escape 9-5 Hell For Good.